Journey's rock ballad Faithfully is pretty much like the Philippine national anthem. It's a song about a musician on the road and his undying devotion, so it's no wonder that millions of Pinoys (a nation of overseas workers and immigrants away from their families) can relate to it. Having been raised in the eighties, I have a soft spot for songs from bands like Journey but I never figured this song would end up in my dreams. In endless loop.

Srsly. No.

But he was holding my hand and he didn't want to let go and when I woke up I remembered that he didn't even greet me on my birthday.

---

I may have one of the most boring jobs in the world but when I think of how I can do it from the comfort of my bedroom while catching up on my current shows, I try not to complain too much. :|

Sharing this to increase my chances of winning these fabulous Star Wars chopsticks from Kotobukiya.

*crosses fingers!*

Holy bananas! Why does LJ take this long to load?!

***

Dire financial crisis means a lot of things will need to be sold. I'm starting with my books, though it breaks my heart to do so. Cut sharp, cut clean, my friend Celine (who runs an online store for pre-loved books) and I tell each other but it is just too hard!

I think I'll keep a temporary list of books to sell here on LJ, just to keep track of titles that (at one point or another) I have decided to let go. My mind is bound to change anyway:

1. Vellum (Hal Duncan)
2. 9Tail Fox (John Courtnay Grimwood)
3. Sing the Light (Louise Marley)
4. An Abundance of Katherines (John Green)
5. The Sunday Philosophy Club (Alexander McCall Smith)
6. Before I Say Goodbye (Mary Higgins Clark)
7. Kissed by an Angel trilogy (Elizabeth Chandler)
8. The Court of Air (Stephen Hunt)
9. Special Topics in Calamity Physics (Marisha Pessl)
10. God-Shaped Hole (Tiffany de Bartolo)
11. Puppet Master (Joanne Owen)
12. Exile's Honor (Mercedes Lackey) - hardcover
13. The Serpent's Shadow (Mercedes Lackey) - hardcover
14. The Year of Our War (Steph Swainton)
15. Hanazakari no Kimitachi E vol 1-23 (complete series in original Japanese)


Some of these I've read and not liked, some I've read and liked but will probably not read again, others I haven't had time to read at all. Hanakimi I do not wish to part with but if I let it go all at once, it might give me substantial returns, unlike the other titles. :(

Flist, if you recommend that I save any of these, do let me know which ones are worth a second shot. Would really appreciate it :)

Dear Ryoga,

Once, I had this to say about you. Go ahead and find out. But you will click this link and nothing will ring a bell. You will not see your name between the lines of a conversation that took place four years ago. You will not get tagged in any mental photograph that I occasionally use as wallpaper before I go to sleep. You will not even get tagged in this note. Our friends will never suspect. For someone as epic as you have been, this is far from the tribute you deserve.

So what is this, exactly? Do I call it an accounting of what might have been? I certainly entertained that thought more than once--and as I have recently discovered, so have you. Not quite the marriage of true minds as we were so quick to label it then, because we had our colossal share of impediments. Two months after that, you got married.

You were unexpected. You were every cliche visited upon me by ghosts of journals past. You made me roll a Will saving throw when I had -3 Wisdom; I could never win with you. But you were very real, and in the end, this will only be a remembering.

A funny thing happened to me over the weekend-- I got sick.

03.29 Sunday morning
My voice is fairly hoarse from Saturday night's very public head-to-head shouting match but other than that, there is no indication that things were going to get worse for me. Maybe I should have considered bad karma.

03.29 Sunday night
Sometime during the afternoon, I start to develop a cold but nothing bad that I can't go to hear my 6:00 PM mass. The weather is fine and it's just a short walk from my house so I don't worry about it. When I arrive home, that's when everything starts piling up. I get a skull-splitting headache and my body starts feeling warm. When I try to sleep it off, I realize that I can't -- my colds and coughs don't allow me to get some decent shut-eye. I know that I should try to sweat it out, but even my thick flannel blanket isn't helping. I do get some little rest but I know that there is no way I can make it to work in this condition.

0.30 Monday
We think it's just some normal fever, with the headaches aggravated by my cough and blocked sinuses. My tita instructs me to take Biogesic after every meal, but I have no appetite, and am compelled to sleep the rest of day through. Because my headache keeps me from taking more than a few steps, I stay upstairs. I have a food tray sent up every mealtime. I have discovered that it hurts to work on the computer (I had to edit my younger sister's essay), watch TV, and even read. Left to my own devices, I give myself a sponge bath. Later that afternoon, a grandmother of mine (who happens to be a registered nurse) visits me. It is nice to be taken care of. My temperature hits a high of 39.5C though. After my grandmother leaves, the helpers spend the night with me. I am starting to sweat the fever out by this time, and Maria patiently wipes my back dry. I am sorry that she isn't able to sleep continuously, but the fever relatively drops. I think I fall asleep by around 4AM.

0.31 Tuesday
I get lugaw for breakfast, which is actually the first meal I've had in a while that I completely eager to eat. Strange, I know. Then my aunt brings me to the doctor. At this point, I am relatively okay. I barely have a cold, my fever has significantly subsided, and while the headache remains, I am able to move about. My doctor gives me a bunch of pills (for the cough, colds, headaches/fever and some antibiotics). Whee! He also recommends me for a CBC, urinalysis, x-ray, etc. and instructs me to take the rest of the week to recover. But the test results aren't immediately ready and it seemed like I was already on the mend, so we head back home. (I bought taiyaki -- yum! Thanks, Auntie!) I have a pretty good appetite during my late lunch, but I proceeded to empty the contents of my stomach soon after. Not a good sign.

0.31 Tuesday night
My appetite is back and my headache is now completely gone. Just to be on the safe side, I ask Maria to stay with me again. Which turned out to be a good thing, because by 2:30 AM, my fever is back. I try not to think too much about the fact that I am starting to see strange little faces on the bedspread I'm using. I cannot go back to sleep and am starting to feel a lot sorry that Maria has to wake up every time I cough, so I reluctantly decide to embrace my inner insomniac. I'm thinking that writing down this boring entry will help sleep catch up to me. Now that I've gotten to the end of it -- I'm not sure if it worked. I think my fever is down, though; I'll have to take my temperature again.

Anyway, I'll just try to update this blog entry as often as I can. Gives me a distraction. It's 4AM Wednesday. Ciao.

- from James Richardson's Vectors: Forty-five Aphorisms and Ten-second Essays
This was not the first time I saw Milty cry. The last time was a lifetime ago, but I never let him forget it. I like teasing him about it: iyakin, bondying, damulag. He never took offense. It was true, after all. He lectures me like an older brother would, but despite that I still saw the little boy in him.

Now, not so little anymore. When he and Nami finally tied the knot, I was very happy for them. A little sad, too, in a way. No more 'Sis, coffee tayo.' No more Sunday night Shell station tell-alls. But with the new life waiting for him, how can I let myself be sad? I just know he is going to be a great husband and father.

Milty is my biggest champion and my worst critic. He isn't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. He isn't afraid to tell me when he is, either. And he never does this from some moral high ground; he always speaks with sincerity and concern that inevitably brings a lot of things to light. He kept me from making what could have been the biggest mistake of my life! Haha. I am still standing, bruised but not broken, because of him.

So that's why it wasn't hard for me to go to Boracay for his wedding. It was the least I could do for someone who has borne with all my faults and my problems -- from family to friends to work to love (wala ata akong natago!) -- without judgment. And it was truly a lovely wedding. I'm glad to have witnessed it, just as I look forward to witnessing the marriage that comes after. We stood at the beach on Saturday night, surrounded by brightly-lit paper lanterns, the wind blowing as if cued by an unseen director.  We made our wishes for Milty and Nami as we watched the lanterns fly away. I wished that there'd still be the occasional Sunday night coffee for us, but I knew that was impossible now. So instead I wished for love and happiness and prosperity, and knew that they were the wishes that got swept away gently until they were flaming dots against the dark sky.

 

Am a little late in posting last month's book list. Been a bit busy. Overall, February was a lean month, and I was mostly preoccupied with rereading Lloyd Alexander's Chronicles of Prydain whenever I got the chance.

1. My Mistress' Sparrow is Dead (edited by Jeffrey Eugenides)
Touted as 'a collection of great love stories from Chekov to Munro'. As an aside, my personal favorite happens to be Kurt Vonnegut's Long Walk to Forever, which isn't in this collection. So what is? An assortment of relationships told in different genres, wrapped in different cultures. If you're looking for heady, giddy chick lit, you're better off looking elsewhere though; after reading this, I reminded myself of its stark title. I was forewarned, and I didn't pay attention. Still, I enjoyed most of the stories here, especially Mary Robison's <i>Yours</i>, Stuart Dybek's <i>We Didn't</i>, and Lorrie Moore's <i>How to be an Other Woman</i>.
 
2. Night Watch (Sergei Lukyanenko)
I was obsessed with this one. The tale is set in modern-day Russia, where vampires and wizards and other such creatures walk among us. The Light Ones work the Night Watch, the Dark Ones make up the Day Watch, and both parties try to preserve the balance between good and evil. This book is actually made up of three exhilirating stories in one, fast-paced and philosophical. I can't wait to read the other books.

3. Royal Assassin (Robin Hobb)
Second books in a trilogy tend to end with cliffhangers. This was no exception. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, making me think I'd have an easy time finishing the last of the series. Turns out I was wrong, but I'll save that complaint for another day.

14. Becoming Bindy McKenzie (Jaclyn Moriarty)
15. Feeling Sorry for Celia (Jaclyn Moriarty)
Two YA books from Australian author Jaclyn Moriarty. I was a big fan of her Finding Cassie Crazy, a story told in journal entries and letters, which certainly told me what to expect from these two books. I felt that Bindy was a stronger read compared to Celia (her first in this series, if I remember correctly). I felt that Bindy's strength lies in how craftily it captures its characters. What's even better is that it has a mystery lurking in the background, one that makes you go "Aaaah, that makes sense..." Inventive. Marisha Pessl, take note.

16. The Princess and the Hound (Mette Ivie Harrison)
The attempt to create another realized world reminded me of Shannon Hale's and Sharon Shinn's YA books, but somehow Mette Harrison's didn't do much for me. While I was certainly rooting for her protagonist, there was something here that made me disconnect from it. Okay, maybe disconnection is too strong a word. But in any case, I was always aware that I was READING instead of living the story and in the end, I felt neither here nor there. Is that strange?

17. Never Let Me Go (Kazuo Ishiguro)
This book took me by surprise. Highly recommended. No spoilers, no reviews, just one enthusiastic recommendation!

I'm almost done with Eat Pray Love, but I'm wondering where the rest of my February went. Were these really ALL I read then?

On my shelf these days: Eat Pray Love (gotta finish!), Getting to Know You by David Marusek, Lankhmar by Fritz Liebner, and other Robin Hobb titles. March, give me your best shot.

I am so tempted to add this doll to my collection. Very very badly. She reminds me of my little niece! Good thing that she's coming out in August, so that gives me half a year to think about this purchase very carefully. ^_^

--
I did this meme on Facebook but I just wanted to post the results here. It's freaky and amusing:

What does your music library say about you?

--------------------------------------------
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends.
-------------------------------------------------------


What do your friends think of you?
In the Beginning • The Stills [With lyrics like 'It's nice to see you're moving on/
I know it's hard to carry on,' this is perfect haha]

If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say?
When I See You Smile • Bad English [What a weird flatterer I am!]

How would you describe yourself?
Inu Mimi Ranka • Instrumental track by Kanno Youko [Guess there are no words to describe me!]

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Stray Cat Strut • Stray Cats [I have to post the lyrics: 'Stray cat strut, I'm a ladies' cat/ A feline Casanova, hey man, thats where its at' Bagay ang answer, even if it's the wrong one! I'm not into Casanovas. :P]

How do you feel today?
You're the Only One • Maria Mena [Which is such a happy bubbly song that actually captures my mood now. And I just went out drinking so bagay din ang lines na: 'You are the only one who holds my hair back when I’m drunk and get sick']

What is your life's purpose?
These are the Days • Jamie Cullum:
These are the days that I've been missing
Give me the taste, give me the joy of someone
These are the days that bring me meaning
I feel the stillness of the sun and I feel fine

[Wow. How freakily perfect.]

What is your motto?
I'll Be There For You • The Rembrandts/Friends Theme Song [Say it with me: Aaaaawwww.]

What do you think about very often?
If You Love Somebody Set Them Free • Sting [BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!]

What do you think of your best friend?
Blue and Yellow • The Used [Hmmm.]

What do you think of the person you like?
Alone • Shimokawa Mikuni [My goodness.]

What is your life story?
Adia • Sarah McLachlan [Pwede na rin!]


What do you want to be when you grow up?
Narda • Kamikazee [Specific na tao pa talaga eh. I want to be legendary!]


What do you think of when you see the person you like/love?
Crush • Mandy Moore [Total coincidence. Hahahaha! I'm loving this meme.]


What will you dance to at your wedding?
Save Me • Remy Zero [THIS takes the effing cake. And I thought Sting's If You Love Somebody Set Them Free was bad enough...]


What will they play at your funeral?
Violin Sonata No. 1 in G Major Op. 78 • Brahms [Syet. Ang galing nito. Somebody please take note.]

What is your hobby/interest?
I'm Yours • Jason Mraz [Because I'm sick that way.]

What is your biggest fear?
Over It • Everlife [HELLO! Of course I want to get over it! Boo.]

What is your biggest secret?
Moon Over Bourbon Street • Sting [With a vampire singing 'For I know what I do must be wrong' and 'I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest'?!? Galing. Totally untrue, but galing.]

What do you think of your friends?
You Don't Have to Say You Love Me • Elvis Presley [Grabe, napaka-martir ko naman!]

What will you post this as?
Much Has Been Said • Bamboo [Amen!]

--
Not tagging anyone -- unless I already did on FB! Feel free to do it, though! :)

Here's what I've been reading since the start of the year. I used to blog more extensively about my opinions on these (until someone killed that buzz for me). I want to go back to blogging my reviews, but for now, some quick thoughts (for Celina, Camille, and Mia -- and anyone else interested). No spoilers. Your thoughts are welcome.

1. Stick Out Your Tongue (Ma Jian)
Rich, visceral stories told in a sparse and straightforward narrative. An easy read, if by 'easy' you mean short. But the situations depicted in the book have stayed with me long after I closed the book; it's quite heavy and unsettling in that way.

2. Special Topics in Calamity Physics (Marisha Pessl)
Oh, where do I begin? It had a good premise but I found its narrator too self-indulgent. I found it painful to finish the story (for the most part, I wondered where the story was) when I had such dislike for the narrator. The author threw the reader a curveball eventually but while it was unexpected,  I found it far-fetched. I mean, here was a first-person narrator who did nothing else in the rest of the book but catalog and judge events based on her literary knowledge, a narrator who loved dramatizing everything and she does not foreshadow this at all? Parang inutot lang nya yung twist. The best part of the whole thing, I think, was when the narrator gives a speech where she does not reference a single person (well, one, I think) and speaks for herself. I would still like to see the author's other works, though; I think there is merit to her. Just please keep me away from Blue Van Meer.

3. The Princess Diaries 10: Forever Princess (Meg Cabot)
End of the Princess Diaries series. Pretty light read, but it was evident to me that Meg Cabot's and Princess Mia's voices have matured a lot since the first book. It was satisfying enough if you're a fan of the series, but if you're just starting out, I have to warn you that not much really happens in the middle of this series. You might be in for a long 10 books.

4. Austenland (Shannon Hale)
Was only interested in reading this book because I like Shannon Hale's books a lot. This was pure indulgence. I think the author felt strongly about the topic that she was compelled to write a chick fic inspired by Pride and Prejudice (I swear, this in itself deserves a sub-genre of its own). But it's still a pretty decent romantic novel.

5. My Swordhand is Singing (Marcus Sedgwick)
After hating his Book of Dead Days and loving his The Dark Horse, I wasn't sure how I would feel about Swordhand. Very interesting take. I felt as if I was really there. Sedgwick's prose has a way of doing that to you. In the end, I wished there was more of the story so that I would feel more of the terror. I found Horse much, much better, but Swordhand's still recommended for YA fans.

6. No one belongs here more than you. (Miranda July)
Thin collection of short stories. Serviceable, with Sapphic undertones. She writes with a good voice, but none of her stories particular stood out to me.

7. The Little Book of Forensics (David Owen)
Nonfiction. Just a collection of crimes to illustrate the different evidence-gathering and crime-solving methods that forensics have employed over the years. Reading the cases is almost like watching a True Crime, only shorter.

8. Color: A National History of the Palette (Victoria Finlay)
Nonfiction. Highly recommended! I just wish that the entire book came in color so there would be more illuminating photos to accompany the already illuminating black text.

9. An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England (Brock Clarke)
Still reading this one. Teenager burns down Emily Dickinson's house. Serves time. Goes back out to society. Unfortunately, someone else has started burning down houses again. Reviews said that it was a funny read; I guess I haven't really gotten to the funny part yet. :P

I have Royal Assassin (Robin Hobb) next on my list, and I just bought a short story collection edited by Jeffrey Eugenides called My Mistress's Sparrow is Dead. I'll be re-editing this post if I finish the last three books before January ends.

 

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
- The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

--
This will be a long post because, well, it was a long poem.

--
When I think of my friends, I inevitably think of this poem as well. I love it for the straightforward way it speaks of choosing to know a soul. Friends choose to be with you just as you choose to be with them, and it is that conscious decision that moves me to be a better person.

One nice thing about the holidays is that they allow us to meet up with old friends and new. Consider this:

Lala, kindred spirit, fellow traveler. We met up at Boracay (of all places!) and stabbed our crepes with much gusto. There is much to be said for conversations at beaches. There is an honesty to them that escapes the confines of the city, of who we usually are, the greyness of everyday. We marvelled at the circumstances that brought us together and drank our glasses dry.
The day after I returned to Manila, I immediately met up with Nikki, who was in town for a two-week vacation. We already had plans to meet up with the rest of the group the following week, but I confess that I didn't want to share her just yet. We were old friends with old things to talk about that did not require an audience. Nikki is the same as I remember her -- sweet and crass and loud and beautiful.
Of course, no holiday is complete without seeing my oldest friends from grade school/high school. The years have invariably changed us, but we are still together, still confident in the thought that no one will know us in quite the same way. Lahat kasi may kanya-kanyang kulo na konti lang ang makakaintindi. And sila na yun. Every lunch/dinner/coffee meeting is a natural takeoff from the last time. Dianne, Lestie, Eilleen and I had a great time stuffing our faces at Kanin Club, then taking our stories to Bona Cafe. But with Dianne getting married in March, Lestie just waiting for word from Australia, and Eilleen going off to London in a few weeks, I know that this year will be very different for all of us.

Somewhere during the first week of work, I also found the time to meet up with my college barkada. (Now if someone mentioned the word 'barkada,' these would be the guys who would come to mind.) They're the ones I spend the most time with, even if our schedules these days haven't been conducive to spur-of-the-moment meetings. It was a chance for everyone to say hi-and-goodbye to Nikki (and to Nards as well, we learned soon after). As we laughed at every silly thing that evening, I couldn't help but look at the group sitting right next to us. They were a bunch of friends in their sixties, maybe seventies, still taking the time to meet with each other to celebrate someone's birthday. Sana ganun pa rin kami pag tanda namin.

Over the weekend, Osing kept me company. We watched Bedtime Stories at Town, then headed home to watch three more movies. She's one of my best friends, even if she doesn't belong to any particular barkada. She's almost part of the family, the way she's around so often. And the funny part is, we don't really do much during the weekends. We just sit around and read or watch the occasional movie or read some more. People think we're opposites at first glance, but that couldn't be further from the truth.
Finally, I spent this evening with a really old friend -- my best friend from grade school! And I didn't even think that we'd ever meet up! But life always has a few surprises. ^^; There were so many things to learn about each other, the other lives that have filled the twenty years between us. But with each detail we found out (her aversion to dessert, her enjoyment of Nat Geo, our shared love for CSI and videoke), it was almost like making the best of those twenty years fit into one evening: bitin, of course, but it held the promise of another meeting.

Seeing my friends at the start of the year is almost like an affirmation. A yes-I'm-alive, a yes-I'll-stick-around-this-year-if-not-the-rest-of-your-life. And you know what? That's enough to make me feel more than blessed.